Treatment Day 2

Fasting since last night at 8pm. I woke up to find out my blood tests will cost $881. cue the tears of anger and frustration. I just can’t seem to get ahead. So much money issues are all falling on me all at once. Everything is about money. I need help. I need a break. I need a job. I NEED MONEY.

Well. Since I can’t get these stupid tests, I guess I’ll have breakfast.

11:30a – I talked to the doc. No breakfast. Off to the lab. He prepaid for the blood tests as part of the treatment agreement. I’m really hungry and very exhausted from all the emotions. My mom helped calm me down though. Talking with her on the phone really helped. I am so thankful for her.

12:30…. Blood tests done. I’m starving.

 

FOOD LOG:

2 packets weight control oatmeal

1tbsp chunky pb

1 tsp nutella

a big cup of coffee, 2 splenda, coconut creamer and sf hazelnut creamer.

 

OH god. That didn’t sit well on my stomach at all. It’s been about 3 weeks since I’ve had oatmeal. My stomach just can’t handle it. It was really bad cramps, upset stomach and shortly thereafter… diarrhea. Great.

Treatment Day 1

This is scary. Hearing my cells are being destroyed and that I’m a huge risk for cancer is scary. I lead a healthy life. I eat almost all non-processed foods, lots of fruis & veg, and fresh meat. I’m trying to beat genetics, and I’m obviously losing.

I tested at 22,000 for my free radicals test. I am 1,000 away from being in the zone where apparently 5 out of 6 people develop cancer.

Then… I apparently have spinal stenosis. My dad has had 9 or more back surgeries. I can’t end up like my family. I’ve worked too hard, eaten too well and worked out too hard. Why? What was it all for? I could’ve just resigned myself to eating twinkies and leading a standard life at this point. It feels like everything I’ve done was for nothing.

I left the doctors office and came home and cried. My body is a wreck. I have a new husband who is stuck with a broken wife. It isn’t fair. I’m 30 years old, and I seem like I’m 70. The doc says he can fix me, make me better. He promised.

He did some chiropractic adjustments and holy hell. It’s a few hours later, and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. my back is so sore and I am really stiff now. I’m exhausted from crying and being jerked around on the table. I am going to try to sleep… if I can. My husband just held me and stroked my hair, kissed me and told me it’ll all be okay. He is my everything. I want to be better for me-but also for him.

First steps are sometimes the hardest

It all started with an email. 

I finally broke. The pain in my body had gotten unbearable. My legs ached constantly. I was cranky and self conscious. I piled all the weight I worked so hard to lose back on. Once I had broken 300lbs. I even got to the mid 200’s. Not anymore. It’s all back, no matter how well I eat. 

I started limiting what I was eating. Watched what I ate. Cut out beer. Cut out sweets. Cut this, cut that… and all that happened was I hurt worse. I’m having the worst time finding a job in NC and while I’m getting sessions, they just aren’t coming fast enough. I can’t pay for things. After visiting this doctor I found when we first moved here, he gave me some rather grave news. 

I needed to find $2500, or $3500 if I could…. Ask parents, friends, family, etc. That’s impossible for me. Parents are on disability, I have no family (pretty much) and the only one with any sort of money is my other half. So… My other half did what any amazing man would do. He insisted we get married to help me get health insurance… A week later, we were married on the USS North Carolina. 

Bad news? I still didn’t get health insurance. Because he’s reserves, it takes $402 to start the health insurance, and $200 a month there after… for two people. It’s the same price for two people, as a family of ten. Tell me how that’s fair? Thanks Obama. Keep messing with the military. We appreciate it. Anyway, I digress.

I wrote the doc an email, and basically did the completely unthinkable thing for me…. I begged for help. I offered photos, me working for him, making cookies and snacks (all paleo, of course) and anything else I could in exchange for him making me feel like a human again, let alone getting me back to where I could work out and lose this god forbidden weight. A couple days later, I met with him, and he said he’d help. He promised he’d help. I saw the look in his eyes. He felt bad for me. He knew where I was coming from, and wanted to make me better-not just for me, but for my husband as well. 

Well…. The following posts are all about this journey. What I eat. What I feel. How I think. No holds barred. Yep. There’s details. Lots of details. And… here we go. 

Breakfast!

I did p90x last night. Did better than I had thought! I didn’t get to ab ripper, I stopped and helped Megan do her nutrition plan. Both felt great. I really think I want to go back to school for nutrition. I want to help people.

Breakfast was gooooodddd! It isn’t super filling, so i may add some grapefruit.  I had a grilled Portobello mushroom cap, flavored with Worcestershire sauce, parsley, cayenne, and garlic. Thank you to my Forman grill! Yummy!

Day 1

So today is day 1. Of everything. Of life. 

last night was sheer insanity. I realized I do not have a normal life. I do not have a normal family. I do not have a normal ANYTHING. Last night showed me that I can’t have a normal life, and I should learn to be okay with that. But last night also showed me that I really need to WAKE UP and to realize that my health gets affected every single time this kind of stuff happens to me. 

All the adrenaline and drama from yesterday (Sorry, keeping it to myself to protect those involved) made me come home, play some Black Ops II (PSN: KayoS_AngeL) and have some tea. My original idea was to come home and drink. Beer. Alcohol. It didn’t matter. I wanted to numb myself of everything that just happened, and everything that seems to always happen to me. Instead, I made the right choice to drink some green mango tea, decaf, with some sleepy time tea mixed in. Good choice. 

What was NOT a good choice was the peanut butter chocolate fudge (4 really small pieces) and 3 pieces of dove dark chocolate. I couldn’t help it. I had to do something to make me happy. My boyfriend had just gone home, my family was put in danger, and my best friend was put in danger. I helped stop it, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t prevent it. It killed me inside. 

Then my dad made a joke about my weight. My boyfriend had me sit on his lap (he loves it when I do) and snuggle him in my dads chair. My dad was making snarky remarks on the porch, and I could hear him. I shook it off. Then he came in to the house, told everyone to be quiet and said “Do you hear that?”… and make a tiny squeaking voice saying “Get her off me! She’s too big! Get her off me!” mocking the chair… It hurt. It hurt a lot, especially since my dad is over 400lbs. I couldn’t help it. I sniped back “If it can handle your fat ass, it can handle mine”. It still hurts to think about. 

So this is also the first day of me taking Phentermine (prescribed by my doctor to help boost my metabolism). I didn’t feel jittery or anything else. Actually, I’ve had really great energy all day today. I think it helps that I do 9 million things in a day. No coffee, either. whew. 

Just ate a delicious dinner (this post has been up all day) of a big bowl of spinach, a chicken breast grilled with pineapple chili glaze and spices, bleu cheese, walnuts and raisins, topped with some white wine and apple cider balsamic vinaigrette. Nummy. 🙂 

Coupons and menu planning… why no healthy coupons!?

So I’m a couponer. 

No, not a crazy “extreme” couponer–though I wish I could be. Do you know why I CAN’T be an extreme couponer? Because there are VERY LITTLE coupons for healthy food. There are barely any, if any at all, for fresh produce and meat. You can find a million coupons for cupcakes, cookies, snack cakes, cakes, snacks, candy and anything else that has immense amounts of unhealthy ingredients in them. You can find anything to make those hips bigger, but nothing to fill your body with healthy goods. 

I’m scouring the web for Dole salad coupons, because I LOVE salad. Usually Dole has a ton of coupons, but I can’t seem to find any today! ARG! And I need to do big grocery shopping tomorrow. 

I am trying something different. I picked 7 dinner meals, and a couple of breakfast/lunch ideas too. What I am going to do is to make a board and write all 7 ideas on it. Next to it, I’ll put a M-Sun magnet saying what meal is when. I don’t want to lay out the meal plan with a definite day, because I’m just not like that. I know I won’t stick to that. I need flexibility. 

I’m just aggravated at the lack of healthy coupons, and the IMMENSE price difference in healthy food vs. ugly food. 

Day 1, P90X

Today was Day 1 of P90X classic. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, and I was able to do more than I expected! Dive bombers WHOOPED MY ASS. ugh.

My results:

01) Chest-Standard Push up – 5 normal, 15 knee

02) Back- Wide front pull ups – 10 TRX / 15 assisted w/ chair

03) Chest – Military push ups – 15 knee

04) Back – Reverse grip chin up – 15 TRX

————

05) Chest – Wide Fly push up – 20 knee

06) Back- Closed grip overhand pull ups – 15 TRX

07) Chest – Decline pushup – 10

08) Back – Heavy pants – 20 (15lb weight)

———–

09) Chest – diamond pushup – 12 Knee

10) Back – lawnmowers – 16 (15lb weight)

11) Chest – Dive bombers – 4

12) Back – Back Flys – 18 (15lb weight)

————–

13) Back – Wide front Pull Ups – 6 assisted w/ chair

14) Chest – standard push ups – 18 knee

15) Back – Reverse grip chin up – 15 TRX

16) Chest – Military Push Ups – 16 knee

————–

17) Back – Closed grip overhand pull ups – 5 assisted w/ chair

18) Chest – Wide fly pushup ( 2 x wider) – 10 knee

19) Back – Heavy Pants – 15 (15lb weight)

20) Chest – Decline push up – 9

——————

21) Back – Lawnmowers – 17 (15lb weight) each side

22) Chest – diamond push ups – 10 knee

23) Back – Back flys – 16 (15lb weight)

24) Chest – Dive bomber push ups – 10 Knee

—————————————————————————————

Phase 1 Classic Doubles Leans
Weeks 1~3
Day 1 Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X Core Synergistics
Day 2 Plyometrics Plyometrics Cardio X
Day 3 Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper X Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper X Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper X
Day 4 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 5 Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X
Day 6 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch
Week 4      
Day 1 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 2 Core Synergistics Core Synergistics Core Synergistics
Day 3 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 4 X Stretch X Stretch X Stretch
Day 5 Core Synergistics Core Synergistics Core Synergistics
Day 6 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch

Phase 2 Classic Doubles Leans
Weeks 5~7
Day 1 Chest, Shoulders & Triceps,
Ab Ripper X
[AM] Cardio X;
[PM] Chest, Shoulders & Triceps, Ab Ripper X
Core Synergistics
Day 2 Plyometrics Plyometrics Cardio X
Day 3 Back & Biceps, Ab Ripper X [AM] Cardio X;
[PM] Back & Biceps, Ab Ripper X
Chest, Shoulders & Triceps, Ab Ripper X
Day 4 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 5 Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X [AM] Cardio X;
[PM] Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X
Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X
Day 6 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch
Week 8
Day 1 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 2 Core Synergistics Core Synergistics Core Synergistics
Day 3 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 4 X Stretch X Stretch X Stretch
Day 5 Core Synergistics Core Synergistics Cardio X
Day 6 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch

Phase 3 Classic Doubles Lean
Weeks 9 and 11
Day 1 Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X
Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X
Day 2 Plyometrics [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Plyometrics
Cardio X
Day 3 Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper X Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper X Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper X
Day 4 Yoga X [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Yoga X
Yoga X
Day 5 Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X
Core Synergistics
Day 6 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch
Weeks 10 and 12
Day 1 Chest, Shoulders & Triceps, Ab Ripper X [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Chest, Shoulders & Triceps, Ab Ripper X
Chest, Shoulders & Triceps, Ab Ripper X
Day 2 Plyometrics [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Plyometrics
Cardio X
Day 3 Back & Biceps, Ab Ripper X Back & Biceps, Ab Ripper X Back & Biceps, Ab Ripper X
Day 4 Yoga X [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Yoga X
Yoga X
Day 5 Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X [AM] Cardio X
[PM] Legs & Back, Ab Ripper X
Core Synergistics
Day 6 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch
Week 13
Day 1 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 2 Core Synergistics Core Synergistics Core Synergistics
Day 3 Kenpo X Kenpo X Kenpo X
Day 4 X Stretch X Stretch X Stretch
Day 5 Core Synergistics Core Synergistics Cardio X
Day 6 Yoga X Yoga X Yoga X
Day 7 Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch Rest or X Stretch

Two weeks to focus

You never know what a situation truly consists of until you get to step back and look at it from afar. Or, until you get slapped so far back that it knocks you on your ass. Cue the second option for me. I was given 2 weeks of space and time. I have used this time to my advantage: in every healthy way possible.

I get consumed. A lot. By a lot of things. His accident really helped me to lose sight of what was happening. It wasn’t the only catalyst, but surely was the biggest. I wonder what life would be like if it didn’t happen. I wonder what he would feel like if it didn’t happen. But it did. And this is what we are left with.

My self esteem issues, and a mistake he made triggered me asking about a girl he added to (stupid) Facebook cued a string of events that I wish never happened-but in a way, I’m glad they did. It was bad. Very bad, and has resulted in where I am sitting right now. Watching WWE, editing photos of him, hoping that he will call before the 2 weeks are up. He was the catalyst I needed for massive change. And change I have.

The first day was monstrous. Painful. I cried, a lot. It took my best male friend to sit me down and talk sense in to me to make me calm down and accept the hand that was dealt to me. Like it or not, I had to start facing my hidden skeletons and fears.

My ultimate fear? Myself. Mirrors were my worst enemy, but on some days they were my best friend. Today? I’m ambivalent. I bought a full length mirror and I put it in a place where i can see my lower half every time I walk out my bedroom door. I did this before this two week period, but I had it stuffed behind some clothes. It’s not anymore. I also decided to be nicer to myself. Trying on clothes was a HORRIBLE event for me. I talked absolute trash to myself. Something along the lines of “what the hell are you doing? Think your fat is gunna fit in there? Think it’s gunna zip up? Those jeans are WAY too skinny for you. Why are you shopping in the Misses section? you know “woman’s world” is your home.” Oh yes. All that, and worse. It got to a point where I rarely enjoyed putting on makeup (which I love) and had no reason to look nice. My boyfriend never could leave the house for over a month, and when we did leave the house, it was just quick trips. Looking pretty wasn’t really an option. I felt very unpretty. I felt like life revolved around one thing and one thing only. I almost lost the love of my life, and he made it very obvious how much he needed me.

So guess what happened. I lost sight of myself. He lost sight of himself. We lost sight of who we are as a couple. We lost sight of that amazing “unit” we always were. Was it all because of his accident? Hell no. We both did things to make it happen. One of the things I wish he would do? Be more open with his wants and needs, and to be more open with compliments. I have all the times he’s texted me I’m beautiful, or how sexy I am locked in my messages-because they are so rare. So… What have I been doing this week?

Day 1: CRIED. A LOT. REPEATEDLY. Got sick. Repeatedly. Barely ate, couldn’t sleep. Bad. I talked to my best friend, and by the next morning I had a plan of attack. Not for my boyfriend, but for myself.

Day 2: I looked at myself. A lot. I looked at the curves of my hips. My newly found waist, the bumps of my breasts right under my raised clavicle. I looked at my eyes. The intense green, blue and gold that make up the almond shape, shaded by heavy eyelashes. I giggled at my bulbous nose: my mom’s nose. I touched my razor blade cheek bones. I made a vow to be nicer to myself. I made a vow to show myself the love that I show Him, and to show myself the love I want from Him. I decided to go clothing shopping.

Friday: I cleaned, I spent time alone. I missed Him so much. I looked up information on how to get my certification to be a Military Fitness Specialist. I also contacted my *grrr* former commanding officer, Patrick, and discussed something very special. I have been toying with the idea of re-enlisting as Reserves, but after talking with Patrick I think it’s best to focus on my career, my family goals and the goal of being a Specialist.

Saturday: I slept. For the first time, I slept. I got up, and got a message from my ex fiance saying he has been in Daytona for the past year and a half and if I wanted my “shit” back to go get it. My “shit” being my dog tags from the Air Force, and hopefully some pictures and stuff. I donated blood this day. I had a good lunch at my best gf’s job. I relaxed. I went clothing shopping. I went to Ross and picked out 8 items: dresses and pants. The dresses ranged from 16-20. Mind you, this time last year I was a 26. I got into the dressing room. Took a look in the mirror and got naked. I stood there in my skivvies for a second and just waited for the bad things to stop rambling through my head. I coached myself through everything. When I picked up this really pretty white and black dress, I looked at it (a size 16) and started the smack talk. I then stopped. Said wait. This is ridiculous. What do I have to lose?? I sucked it up, slid the dress over my head, adjusted …. and it fit- and looked PRETTY. I walked myself through everything. I remembered Levi’s face when he saw me in the black dress I wore to my best gf’s graduation. He looked so happy. I kept that in mind. I looked at myself for everything that it was. JUST ME! Nothing else.

Sunday: Meeting day. I had an amazing meeting with K and his wife in regards to the show I’m shooting on the 17th of Sept. It was amazing. I was made creative director. Taken out to a nice lunch with a beautiful bottle of Reisling and had a great discussion with him and his wife. He mentioned my boyfriend. Asked if he could volunteer to be an assistant to me. A relaxing job of just dumping photos. Free food. Free drink. I wanted so bad to call him right away and squeal with delight about what had just happened. I caught myself as I almost hit dial… and called my parents instead. I told my mom, promptly hung up, and went to my hideout: the bookstore. After that… I cried… A lot.. I just wanted to share it with him. I came home and told my roommate/best friend, and she was surprised. “why does it look like you’re about to cry?” Cue the tears. ALL i wanted… was just to share it with my man. To ask if he could be a part of it. Even if he said no, at least I still included.

Monday: I think that is today. Today was a bit rough. I had a really bad dream last night, and it made me very sad for a vast majourity of the day. I did work out again today. TRX during the commercials of WWE. I made a great dinner of asparagus (steamed), roasted pork and roasted potatoes. I miss him badly today, but I have made so many changes that I can’t wait to tell him what i’ve been working on. How i’ve changed thoughts about myself, about us.

I also made a photo diary. Once a day (or more) I snap a picture of something that can define my day. I’ll be posting them on my FB.

This is a hard week. I just wish I could hear his voice.

Snack Snack SNACK

One of the things I tend to forget the most is to snack. I eat 3 meals a day, if I’m lucky, and usually my snacks consist of FRS energy chews (2 a piece) or some granola. Here’s some ideas stolen from Life’s a Journal

  • First, buy a “bullet” type blender if you don’t have one, they make most of these snacks so much faster and easier ( I have and love this one).
  • Smoothie: 1 cup frozen fruit (I like sliced strawberries, pineapples and mangos), 3 ice cubes, 1 cup water, 1/2 cup plain fat-free Greek yogurt (I keep mine in the freezer so it’s frozen!). This will end up being roughly 100 calories with 6 grams of protein.
  • Malts: Try to find a protein powder that you enjoy but that is low in fat and calories yet high in protein. This one from SlimFast is an okay option, it has 10 grams of protein in a serving and since you will generally not be mixing it with milk the calories will be far less than 200. I also like this one from GNC. Try blending 1 cup of water, 3-4 ice cubes and one serving of the protein powder together for a malt-like snack. Mix it up by adding in 1/2 of a frozen banana.
  • Protein bars: I mentioned this in the first post but find ones that are below 170 calories, have at least 10-15 grams of protein and less than 4.5 grams of fat.  Don’t eat more than one per day. My favorite ones are Proti Bars.
  • Nuts: Nuts are high in protein and are generally a good snack since the fat in them is a good fat. Try pistachios or almonds but remember to pay attention to portions. Here’s a fabulous article on snacks and portion size.

Chocolate Soy pudding

I found this recipe on this site (actually, i found it on “life’s a journal“), and I love that they called “Idiotically Easy Soy Protein Pudding”. But, it is pretty easy, and delicious. I TOTALLY put mine in the freezer for 1-2 hours so that it gets semi-frozen. So tasty and definitely cures chocolate cravings.  It contains 79 calories, 9 calories from fat and around 6 grams of protein per serving. Recipe says it makes 4 servings but I usually break it into 6.

Ingredients:

Directions:

  1. Place tofu in a food processor and process until smooth, no lumps. Transfer to a mixing bowl.
  2. Add almond milk, chocolate flavored stevia, and stevia powder to tofu and blend with a mixer.
  3. While the mixer is going, add chocolate pudding and mix well, for about a minute or two.
  4. Divide into 4 generous servings and enjoy! Refrigerate leftovers.