How do you let go?

I just peeled through every pair of jeans I own. I have one pair that fits just right. I have one pair that doesn’t fit yet (just a size too small), and about 7 pairs that are baggy, give me a fake penis, or just dont even think of fitting at all.

I felt the tears slightly coming.

I threw on a pair that sort of fit, left my ass baggy though and just put on a tank top.

I’m looking at my room. It’s covered in clothes. I swear, it looks like my closet and my dresser threw up everywhere. I’m frustrated. I’m looking at all these clothes, some of which i completely love, and I’m wondering if it’s time to start cleaning out my clothes. I have clothes in my closet I haven’t touched in months, and some….years. So how do you let them go? How does one overcome the fear of gaining weight and having “fall back” clothes. Yes. that’s why I still have them. I’m afraid I’m going to gain weight back, and I wont have anything to wear. I’m scared. There you have it. I admit it. I’m scared of gaining weight back.

I want to throw them all away. None of them fit my style. Plain black T shirts or Tshirts that are so big…because I used to have to only shop in the mens section. Now I shop in the women’s and junior’s section of Target or something for my Tshirts. Jeans, I’m still relegated to Lane Bryant and B&L (Bandlu.com).

Perhaps when I finish the things I have to do today, I will start. I will start by throwing out the turtlenecks that I have from when I was a junior in high school. Turtlenecks I really dont need since they dont fit AND I live in florida.

Part of me is just so self conscious because of this. I hate being “plus size” i hate it.

here’s my secret fear. Ready?

Backstory:

I’m incredibly in love with my boyfriend. I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. He gets me. He understands who I am, and we connect so well. We have talked marriage, and kids.

Here’s the secret fear:

I’m so afraid of picking out my wedding dress. I dont want something expensive, and I’ve even thought I dont want a white dress… but either way i go… I’m afraid of picking out my wedding dress while being fat. I dont want to be a fat bride. A big part of me thinks I dont deserve a pretty dress, because of how I look. Okay, I’m not ugly. I get that now. I hear how pretty I am enough. But… My fat makes me feel ugly. Ugly in a way I can’t admit. I’m afraid of walking down the aisle and people thinking that I look pretty- for a fat bride. I just want people to see ME. My tattoos, my eyes, my hair, my huge smile when I see him. I just want them to see me, not the fat.I want him to look at me and cry out of happiness, realizing that he’s marrying the woman he’s always wanted… not that he’s stuck with some frumpy lumpy wife. I want to be a MILF. I want to be a crazy, fun, sexy wife and mother. I dont want to be a fat mom. I want to have a cute little belly when I get pregnant. Not get pregnant and not see the belly, because I’m fat.

So how do I let go of these fears? how do I tackle this life? how do I do this, and not kill myself in the process?

I need to do something. For me. I need to make a decision, and tackle this. For me.

 

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